Recently, the (obviously publicity-hungry) FDA caused a commotion when they issued a warning against the dangers of eating raw flour, linking its consumption with at least 38 E. coli cases in the past seven months. The bacteria, they said, contaminates grain through bird poop and can cause “diarrhea (often bloody) and abdominal cramps” or “a type of kidney failure called hemolytic uremic syndrome (HUS).”
Blah blah blah, am I right?
Raw flour = cookie dough. And everybody knows that cookie dough is amazing and the only way it could kill you is if you ate, like, fifty pounds of it and your stomach exploded or something. I don’t want to use strong language here, but the FDA is really being a party pooper. So forget “research” or “health hazards.” Whip up these 8 Pinterest-perfect cookie dough recipes and tell the FDA you literally do not give one crap about E. coli-infested bird crap.
1. Egg-less Cookie Dough
This whole time, we were worried about the raw eggs in cookie dough giving us salmonella. Now we have to stress about raw flour. What’s next, raw meat? Too many health risks to keep track of, IMO.
Get the recipe from Lil’ Luna.
2. Deep Fried Cookie Dough
Stick it to the man while clogging your arteries. (Okay, this is cooked, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)
Get the recipe from Handle the Heat.
3. Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts
This is cooked, too, but honestly I got so distracted by how good it looks? Really, it’s the sentiment of the cookie dough that’ll tell them… Mother of everything that is holy that looks so good. I was saying something about the FDA? I don’t remember.
Get the recipe from Babble.
4. Salted Pretzel Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Snickers Bars
This is seriously just a bunch of nouns I really like smushed together into one thing. It’s either clickbait or the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Get the recipe from Half Baked Harvest.
5. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Footballs
Make your friend’s Super Bowl party halfway bearable. Plus, what’s more manly than something football-shaped and possibly detrimental to your health?
Get the recipe from Life, Love, and Sugar.
6. Vegan Cookie Dough for One
It’s vegan. You can be angry about the cruel treatment of domesticated animals and the cruel treatment of cookie dough by the FDA! Bonus: Paleo cookie dough truffles, to hearken back to Caveman times when nobody cared whether there was bird poop in their food or not.
Get the recipe from The Live-In Kitchen.
7. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cannolis
Get fancy with your figurative middle-finger-to-the-FDA. Or not. Who do you think you are, Cake Boss?
Get the recipe from The Domestic Rebel.
8. The Half Baked Cake: A Cookie Dough Explosion
Actual quote from this food site: “This cake is absurd. No really. It’s just so…. Extra.”
Honestly, at this point, just forget the FDA protest. We were trying to stage an angry critique of the FDA’s hasty condemnation of cookie dough, but now we feel like losers. We’re never gonna make this cake. We’re probably going to give up on this whole list after pulling the last half-empty bag of chocolate chips from the depths of our freezers. Go home. We’re done here.
Oh, yeah, get the recipe from Glazed and Confused.
I think I just… wrote a listicle. This is what I’ve become. I am Buzzfeed. I’m going to go lie in bed and think about my life choices now (with a bowl of cookie dough ice cream).